Insecurities

As a girl, I grew up with insecurities in my main plate.

Insecurities for my darker skin complexion, amongst my fairer skin oriental looking family.

Insecurities for my big-fairy ears, friends in elementary school made fun of it a lot.

Insecurities for my thick lips, that father's side family made it kind of big joke.

It affects me somehow as a woman. Now that they don't make it as a big deal because things are changing. They see me now with my achievements. They said I'm growing up to be a pretty woman.

Still, it affects me deep down.

I keep on comparing myself.

I feel like competing with other potential woman that my crush might like.

It's all in my mind.

Insecurities is like shadow, it walks with me.

Every single day.

Whether or not...

I woke up after an early nap that turned to be total fall asleep. I reach for a glass of McD's beverage muse (which I totally forbidden to) and then reaching out my phone, giving consultation via e-mail like I always do.

That thoughts come again, the one topic clouding my mind these days. Whether we search similarities or differenciesin our significant others, in life?

The thought arises as my guilty pleasure to read a man's mind. I still can't, but I got better at guessing. Let me tell you, my guilty pleasure is to read an article or vlog about what men thinks and might do about certain things. Yep, man has always been a riddle to solve for me.

And I' ve been in a significant crush with a guy. Awkwardly, we were interconnected to most kind of social media and instantmessengers that we have. So yes, I didn't deny it that I'm being a little spy. I know how friendly he is and how he befriend with other young women like me. I can read him, exactly.

As I analyse those other young women he befriends with and combining with what I have from those article and vlog that I ever read and listened... I began to wonder at thoughts. What it is exactly do we search in life, the one who is different or the one who is with the most similarities?

Simply, when I bring this thought to friends, they said..... IT'S BOTH. Ugh. Rocket science you said it. Well...

By both, we are never sure how many percent is the similarities and how many percent is the differencies... which one weight more? I've been searching but no receng study about it.

People are really complex. And by all this I just reminding myself that it is nice to have someone who is real to you, and you can reach out at hour like this, 2.30am in the morning... when u have all the weirdest thoughts about universe. I want you in my life - whoever you are.

Teman Hidup

"Waktu, cepat benar berlalu...", ujar sahabat baikku di seberang meja sambil menatap awang-awang sebuah warung kopi sederhana.

Pertemuan rutin kami, memperbarui informasi kehidupan satu sama lain.

Laki-laki di seberangku ini sudah ku kenal semenjak kami menggunakan seragam. Berpeluh terkena sinar matahari. Cukup lalu.

Beberapa saat lampau, Ia mengungkapkan telah menemukan gadis pujaan. Ia akan memilihnya untuk hidup bersama - selama - lamanya.

Aku jadi teringat, sahabat-sahabat baikku tahun yang akan datang sebagian besar melepas masa lajangnya. Tak terungkap, betapa aku bahagia.

Waktu memang benar-benar cepat berlalu, pikirku. Melihat mereka tumbuh dewasa, hingga menemukan teman hidup yang setia. Pemandangan yang terngiang selalu, terrekam dalam memori bagai rangkaian film.

Seketika aku sesak dengan perasaan haru, tidak sabar untuk waktu datang dan berlalu.

Sambil menunggu, perasaan aneh muncul untuk diriku. Kosong. Melihat pada hidupku dan sosoknya yang entah kapan menjadi nyata.

Ah, tetap aku bahagia untuk mereka.

Si Perasa, Pengandai Logika

Dulu, ada yang pernah bilang, "Meninggalkan itu lebih mudah, daripada yang ditinggalkan."
Aku penasaran.

Kali ini aku coba pergi, tak lama ia pergi.  Petualangan baruku, kata mereka.

Rasanya sama berat, ternyata. Perasaan asing tetap hinggap.
Ah, mungkin ya karena aku terlalu perasa.

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Pagi ini aku duduk dekat jendela di Bandara.
Aku lihat ada sebuah burung besi tinggal landas.

Tiba-tiba hatiku nyeri lagi.
Aku merasa betapa burung-burung besi itu telah mengantar dan membawanya pergi.
Hingga saatnya tiba bertemu lagi. Tidak pernah pasti.
Aku yang perasa ini, ingin menitikkan lagi air mata.
Sedikit saja, masih boleh ya?

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Aku yang perasa ini melamun.
Terlalu banyak imaji yang kucoba berikan sedikit emosi.
Dalam, jadinya.
Aku menelaah kata-kata pilihannya, pilihanku, dalam bincang kita.

Aku ingat, kala itu setengah terpejam.
Ia membawaku ke 12 tahun lalu
Saat aku menyelesaikan studi dasarku sebagai anak-anak.
Saat itu ia memulai studi pertamanya untuk berkelana menjadi laki-laki dewasa.

Bagaimana ia membaca pikiranku? Si perasa, pengandai-andai logika.