The Small Things

It was in the afternoon, I began talking with my senior in the office.
She sat behind me, older than me (well, I'm one of the youngest in the office thou) we are around seven years apart.  She's been married and found the man of her life, so she frequently told me the story of her marriage life.  I have no problem about it, as I always all ears for others love story, because I found it interesting to see the way people fall for each other.  It never gets boring.

The topic that day was about the one thing, that her husband's did and made her fell in love all over again.
Just like the first time, when the cupid's arrow hitting both hearts.

"Do you know what, my husband is not that sweet husband. He rather straightforward.  But, when we go on trip to Bali last month, he sing and play guitar in the bar.  He loves to sing and play guitar, I know, but I realise that the moment, I fall in love all over again with him."

The story enchant me, I began to ask this question around: "What is the one thing that your lover/partner do and makes you realise why you fall in love with him/her?"

Answers were amusing - when I see her wearing my favorite clothes, when she interacts with her friends, when he cry over something, when he cooks and many more.

Then, I asked myself, the very thing that you did and made me smile so bright and looked back how I fell in love with you.  Those in the way when you were hustling, for others.  In the way you did small things for humanity, and let your thoughts consumed by other people, to make world a better place to live, to change the world in every possible way.

And I believed, love is the small things, like pieces of puzzle, that we then collect those part of small things and make it bigger and bigger until we figure out the picture and we can't live without even a very small part of it.

(Maybe) It is Love until it is not

I've been wanting to write lately and I wrote several notes then saved it.  All in the draft folder, just like that, waiting to be published or deleted.

I know I should write something else, that is more important, my thesis, but I just don't.

----

Tonight I sit on my bed, covered with blanket, in the realisation that I'm 24 years old.
I started this blog when I was 17, around seven years ago, how time flies. And I can't believe that I keep writing, despite of everything happen in life.  This blog is the only blog I have, just like a home. Whenever I feel something, I come back to this virtual blank paper.  Yes, for me, to write is to heal a broken heart.

Looking back, I feel that this year is the busiest year of my life. I don't know, if it's real or I just make it seems so. I come home late, overtimes, working on the weekends and everything.  I spend some of my times hustling, like, never stop.

The consequence? I leave my final thesis behind.
I am crying for it, struggling for it until I don't give it a sh*t. I stop making time for it.
I feel like I'm carrying a big big stone on my shoulder, but I pretend that I'm fine with it.
I run away, flee from it. I'm a total mess - I have never been such a big procrastinator like this.

However, while running away, I make time for some other good sh*t like sports.
I regularly do Squash, try Thai Boxing and Zumba. I also meet some guys that I enjoy hanging out with. I spend time being happy in a way of escaping the duty.

----

Among all I meet this guy.

I meet him exactly after I come back from my mom's hometown. That time, I was just being okay again after my previous relationship that didn't worked out.

I am intrigued by our first conversation, though it doesn't lasts.  He is very busy, he seems.
In fact, we both busy.  I'm not that girl to make the first move, strange, I feel I need to check him out again, give it a 'funny' try.  I do it. We talk almost everyday ever since.

Not-so-small town, Jakarta. The place where I born and raised, I meet him.
I'm the type to over-think things, so, thoughts wildly authorise my head.

Out of all the people in the world, I meet him.  We are years apart, once, oceans apart.

However, after all this time, he is the first guy that I can picture my life with.

I like it, the time when we are together.  I like it, when we talk about our unnecessary childhood.

He sleeps on my shoulder, I asks so many things to him. We come to dinner together, while he checks his e-mails, still. I asks "why you have to be so busy?" He tells me to deal with it.

We sips our coffee and tea, and laugh endlessly for the guests over there falling from their chair.

One of my favorite moment of us, the sign that we are alike.

But we play the game.

I hate it, he tell the world instead of me.
Whether it's right or wrong, we are comfortable sitting in front of each other without talking.

In silence, sometimes we find love, sometimes it just emptiness.  I wonder which one is us.
It seem impossible, until we prove those people that says we won't lasts wrong, or maybe they will prove us wrong.

I often think that we are walking to the gate of goodbye, day by day.
But, I want to enjoy this very moment with him, without chain.

Maybe, it is love until it is not.

To Handle The Truth

"Ask me anything you want to know, I'll answer"

"I know, there are a lot of things on your head. Say it."

"You look like you gonna say something but you're not"


Most of the times, he tries to dig inside of my head. He realise there is a gigantic maze that he can not escape without my guidance, cause I'm the only owner of the little light.

Most of the times, I look at him puzzled, slowly and in the eye. My eyes strolling down to his lip, he talks too much. He tortures me with words, because he is who he is, the brutally honest one.

Love one, to be frank, I am struggling - this is what I never told him.

Feigning ignorance, yes, he gets the point right, I have zillion questions in my mind.  So many things I want to know about him, like, really, so many things.  However, will I ever be strong enough to handle the truth? Not really, Darling.

That is my smile in agony, protecting this little fragile heart from hideous truth.

Afterall, I'm just not that ready.

Desty

I have this weird thinking since I was a little kid, when it comes to nick names, I have it quite a lot until I can't remember.  However, I can manage to differentiate where of my life stage this friend came from.

"Sty" is from my junior high-schools'

"Dede" is from my senior high-schools'

"Ndes" is from my colleges

"Etina" is from my economics undergraduate

So much more than the above, again, I can't remember.

These names, somehow, makes me feel casual and comfortable - thus, the name, Desty, when someone trying to call me with my full name "Desty" i feel vulnerable. It is a mix between feeling proud and flying thought of who I am. When someone calls me "Desty", I am feeling loved at the same time feeling this someone is going to hurt me.

At home, my mom calls me "Ty" (read: thee) or "Titi" (read: tee tee). Mum and Dad will call me "Desty" if they want to talk seriously or heavy.

All this time, exes, once boyfriends, are one of them that will call me with "Desty" - and yes, I feel weirdly vulnerable.

That is how I weirdly think about name, Name is not that just a name. At least for me.

I recall one night, I asked someone whom I had interest with "Do you know my name?" then he laughs and then sweetly smiling "Desty".

About One Self

"and eventually in the end, we are all alone", she said.


trying to figure out one self, the girl in the mirror.
who is she? is she happy? is she accepting this? is she getting used to?

she is tired with all the drama, she somehow knew that everything will fall apart.
That is why she runs away from attachment with anyone. Any-one.

Tentang Anak Adam

Senja kuhentikan atas nama anak adam

Aneh, anak adam yang aneh, gumamku

Sambil bertanya, aku terseret dalam arusnya

Bukan, bukan arus pantai biasa.

Ia tenang, penuh gejolak dan tetap mengalir apa adanya

Ku sangkakan ia milikku, setelah pelukan gemericik mengembara ke seluruh tubuh

Bukan, ia bukan milikku

Anak adam hidupnya sangat berarti

Waktunya telah diparuhkan, dipinjam, tak kembali

Anak adam, mencoba membuat makna diri

Tugasku adalah menghargai, tugasku memahami

Hingga akhirnya ia pulang dari kembara

dan.... terlelap di pelukku

dalam......suatu malam

Syukur

Tersungging senyum di bibir pagi ini, aku menjajarkan pakaian-pakaian cantik di lemari.
Aku menyusun alat-alat rias di atas meja sekaligus beberapa aksesori.
Kupikir, inilah hal-hal kecil yang membuatku bersyukur. Aku mendapatkan semua yang aku dambakan sejak kecil, semua, hasil dari kerjaku.

Terlebih lagi, aku selalu ingin mengatakan ini:
"Mungkin aku sangat pelan dalam menjelalah sudut-sudut dunia, meskipun aku selalu mengatakan aku sangat suka jalan-jalan. Mungkin aku tidak secepat kalian yang bisa dalam jangka bulan atau minggu berganti-ganti destinasi, meskipun aku selalu mengatakan aku sangat suka jalan-jalan. Tapi, aku sangat puas, perjalananku yang belum seberapa jauh ini, semua hasil dari jerih payahku."

Sometime we feel alone, because we associate love as the only love happened between two people a man and a woman.

Tonite, however, God has sent a girl the answer of real love.

A man whom patronage outside a house.
A woman whom cannot sleep, sitting on the living room. They were waiting a 23 years old woman, to came back from her work, a press event.

As the girl get-off from her car, she saw these relieved faces. She does, she has it, all the love in the world.

What's about the Fuss "Long Distance Relationship"?

A random thoughts about you.. on my way back home from a long shift, on a highway.

Recently, I am just too familiar with "come and go", "staying and leaving", distance..."far and near"... time differencies...jetlag...good night alongside a good morning.

Some days back then, I wish for this kind of relationship, when I found freedom at the same time love to keep. A love without chain. When trust is everything.

Nope. That doesn't work that way.
It is beautiful, and beautifully hurts.

The need to be together.
The real support, a hug, a holding hands....The existence...to prove that he is real.

I think again, maybe it is the struggle that made all worth.
and the hardship that made "US" means so much, more than "YOU" or "ME".

and it is beautiful to have someone you long for...
someone that waiting for you to come home.

Marry the night

That night...

Lay in his arm, I begin to let out all my curiosity

Those questions inside my head about the land....the sea...he lives in

His tone so bright, answering my questions

A little bit tired...I know hidden somewhere in his voice

He plays with my hair still.

 and I begin to ask him...

Me:"When will the people usually get married?"

He: "Women, 27/28yo, still considered young. Men...above 30? My brother just recently married at 36"

Me:"The people not marrying foreigner, is that true?"

He:"What? Where you hear this from? Of course we do. It is just a little percentage of us, whom still consider it as taboo"

I smile.

He looks a little confused.

That was my all time favourite convo.

That was the time, I knew, it's hard to leave.

When finally, Seoul.

End of February 2015 when I finally get to the city I dreamed of, Seoul, South Korea.  As you can see my sincere confession years back here: Blogpost: Why,Seoul? (2011) .

Some people dream of New York City, Los Angeles, Ibiza and all.  It's not that I didn't want to go there, I do. Just somehow, long before, Seoul really had me at heart. I love how Seoul looks, even more in love after I finally get there. All too well.

2015, is really the year I planned to visit.  November 2015, when all the leaves turns red and orange, falling to the ground and keeping the wood alive, when I (hopefully) finishes my thesis, freshly graduated. I will stay in Seoul for a month.

But... you know that God always had a plan for you....whether you like it or not.
My job flew me to Seoul earlier, in the end of cold winter.

I'm happy but happy but then again confused about what to do with my plan - then my inner Saggitarius really shows me that "go ahead and have fun!"

Long story short, I am staying in Seoul for a week and for me that was short but literally try everything I wanna try there, like- very statisfied.  I love the city and the ambience, mixture of traditional and modern. I love the food, I love the people. I'm in love.

Lastly, I think I met a prince charming there, someone I consider cool enough to be an oppa, whom treats me like one of those K-Drama :)

Seoul, short and sweet. A very remarkable one.
I will definitely coming back again, for another adventure and to find the missing piece I left to that someone.

Au Revoir, Seoul Soul! xx