Post- Hangover Thoughts

I regret it.

I'm dizzy AF.

I spent my few last days of being 24 with drunk.

I'm always full of laugh when I'm drinking. Happy pill. Melancholy syndrom hits me when I'm half sober the next day.

Still dizzy AF.

I'm queueing to enter the airplane back to Jakarta. Another airplane is ready to fly next to mine. I can feel it hits the ground, the vibe goes to my heart. I cry a little, I remember again, how that iron bird has brought those I love gone far away.

On the plane, I cry a lot.
Because of the song the airline played.
Indonesian song about the struggle of long distance relationship.

I'm fxcked.
I cry a river.

Why universe, why?

Hangover thoughts

People are foolish.

I laugh at them dancing. So eagerly dancing, trying to impress the other man/woman. So funny.

I laugh. I drink. I dance. I stare at those festive bulbs. Half conscious.

I'm drunk and I really want to write about people.
But then I'm not, I saved these words in mind. How I think about these all. Write later, I stare at bulbs again, thinking.

I dance, still really wanting to write so badly.
I remember Tsukuru, he always write when he is drunk in the party. He writes about people and how funny they ar, in the corner of a party.

Why he does the same. I don't know. We're match made in heaven. Too similar, its broken.

I still, dance and think about people, chasing other people

Hi, B!

I was walking, chatting with a long time friend. Passing my co-workers and pretend not seeing them on the way. They shout at me, "How pretty you are today!".  My pretending-not-to-see-them fail. I am smiling and waving proudly, today I wear my favorite brown dress - a gift from bestfriends.

After that, I wonder in thoughts.
Those nights B used to call me his pretty girl. How it would be nice if he say it again. I want to hear it again "pretty, why are you being single?" I obviously blushed that day.

Then I remember B. I might not see him at the end of this year, but I have faith with me.

But B, I think I'm OK.
I'm an all grown up girl.

I cut my hair short, sooner than I told you the last time. I look cool - I think you'll like.

I think it's a better day there. I think even a better christmas there. Lights, fire and xmas market. Beers. - and plus even better with a cuddle mate.

I know that you are re-shaping that profile here and there. Hoping for that miracle. Company on that cold cold winter. 2°C is bad to be faced alone. Without a warm hug, without a gentle kiss. I understand.

B, you had me at hello.
That hello I will cherish forever. You are a piece of puzzle, here, in my heart.

If not anytime soon God leads our way, I hope you have a warm warm winter and christmas, there, at your heart.

Yours truly xxxx

Realistically....

"Realistically...." I say it loudly.

That was the first line of e-mail was intended to me, by my junior. I was there, behind her back when she typed it. She wasn't expecting me coming, but I peeked and laughed. She was trying to shoo-shoo me and I agree.

Today, I went early for a live tv interview and I back for home early because of that. Then my other junior asked "why are you going home" - "I start early, my shits are done done" I replied.

"Realistically" the word become so much to think.

I want to go back to my junior and said "Well, realistically, I'm getting older. Tired with over-time shits. I have life other than work. My paper is waiting." No. I didn't said it to her, I went home after buying some classic puddings that Mum like so much.

Funny thing, today, while spending sometimes reviewing reports, I watched this man-digging-youtube show by a dating coach. He discussed about man, an MPI, I forgot but it explained about the man whom always maintaining you from time to time - sending texts, checking you out, but not for you. It's for them, to make them feel secure and wanted.

and Realistically, it relates.

Realistically, it's maybe the primetime to get real.
To look around, to find something that was always there.

As I strolled through Facebook, I found that girl who cut off every possible way of uncertainty. Just to find she kissed the Real man on a dim-light shrine in Hong Kong.

Les jus be real, Dest!

Insecurities

As a girl, I grew up with insecurities in my main plate.

Insecurities for my darker skin complexion, amongst my fairer skin oriental looking family.

Insecurities for my big-fairy ears, friends in elementary school made fun of it a lot.

Insecurities for my thick lips, that father's side family made it kind of big joke.

It affects me somehow as a woman. Now that they don't make it as a big deal because things are changing. They see me now with my achievements. They said I'm growing up to be a pretty woman.

Still, it affects me deep down.

I keep on comparing myself.

I feel like competing with other potential woman that my crush might like.

It's all in my mind.

Insecurities is like shadow, it walks with me.

Every single day.

Whether or not...

I woke up after an early nap that turned to be total fall asleep. I reach for a glass of McD's beverage muse (which I totally forbidden to) and then reaching out my phone, giving consultation via e-mail like I always do.

That thoughts come again, the one topic clouding my mind these days. Whether we search similarities or differenciesin our significant others, in life?

The thought arises as my guilty pleasure to read a man's mind. I still can't, but I got better at guessing. Let me tell you, my guilty pleasure is to read an article or vlog about what men thinks and might do about certain things. Yep, man has always been a riddle to solve for me.

And I' ve been in a significant crush with a guy. Awkwardly, we were interconnected to most kind of social media and instantmessengers that we have. So yes, I didn't deny it that I'm being a little spy. I know how friendly he is and how he befriend with other young women like me. I can read him, exactly.

As I analyse those other young women he befriends with and combining with what I have from those article and vlog that I ever read and listened... I began to wonder at thoughts. What it is exactly do we search in life, the one who is different or the one who is with the most similarities?

Simply, when I bring this thought to friends, they said..... IT'S BOTH. Ugh. Rocket science you said it. Well...

By both, we are never sure how many percent is the similarities and how many percent is the differencies... which one weight more? I've been searching but no receng study about it.

People are really complex. And by all this I just reminding myself that it is nice to have someone who is real to you, and you can reach out at hour like this, 2.30am in the morning... when u have all the weirdest thoughts about universe. I want you in my life - whoever you are.

Teman Hidup

"Waktu, cepat benar berlalu...", ujar sahabat baikku di seberang meja sambil menatap awang-awang sebuah warung kopi sederhana.

Pertemuan rutin kami, memperbarui informasi kehidupan satu sama lain.

Laki-laki di seberangku ini sudah ku kenal semenjak kami menggunakan seragam. Berpeluh terkena sinar matahari. Cukup lalu.

Beberapa saat lampau, Ia mengungkapkan telah menemukan gadis pujaan. Ia akan memilihnya untuk hidup bersama - selama - lamanya.

Aku jadi teringat, sahabat-sahabat baikku tahun yang akan datang sebagian besar melepas masa lajangnya. Tak terungkap, betapa aku bahagia.

Waktu memang benar-benar cepat berlalu, pikirku. Melihat mereka tumbuh dewasa, hingga menemukan teman hidup yang setia. Pemandangan yang terngiang selalu, terrekam dalam memori bagai rangkaian film.

Seketika aku sesak dengan perasaan haru, tidak sabar untuk waktu datang dan berlalu.

Sambil menunggu, perasaan aneh muncul untuk diriku. Kosong. Melihat pada hidupku dan sosoknya yang entah kapan menjadi nyata.

Ah, tetap aku bahagia untuk mereka.

Si Perasa, Pengandai Logika

Dulu, ada yang pernah bilang, "Meninggalkan itu lebih mudah, daripada yang ditinggalkan."
Aku penasaran.

Kali ini aku coba pergi, tak lama ia pergi.  Petualangan baruku, kata mereka.

Rasanya sama berat, ternyata. Perasaan asing tetap hinggap.
Ah, mungkin ya karena aku terlalu perasa.

---

Pagi ini aku duduk dekat jendela di Bandara.
Aku lihat ada sebuah burung besi tinggal landas.

Tiba-tiba hatiku nyeri lagi.
Aku merasa betapa burung-burung besi itu telah mengantar dan membawanya pergi.
Hingga saatnya tiba bertemu lagi. Tidak pernah pasti.
Aku yang perasa ini, ingin menitikkan lagi air mata.
Sedikit saja, masih boleh ya?

---

Aku yang perasa ini melamun.
Terlalu banyak imaji yang kucoba berikan sedikit emosi.
Dalam, jadinya.
Aku menelaah kata-kata pilihannya, pilihanku, dalam bincang kita.

Aku ingat, kala itu setengah terpejam.
Ia membawaku ke 12 tahun lalu
Saat aku menyelesaikan studi dasarku sebagai anak-anak.
Saat itu ia memulai studi pertamanya untuk berkelana menjadi laki-laki dewasa.

Bagaimana ia membaca pikiranku? Si perasa, pengandai-andai logika.

Bebal Pisah

Berjalan
aku terus menemukan
bahu-bahu yang sedang dalam persinggahan

Mereka berwujud mimpi
memberi peristirahatan
lalu pergi
hilang entah

Aku kira sekarang
bebal sudah

bandar-bandar
jalan tol ke udara

perpisahan
tetap terasa sama

beda kisah
menyisakan resah

aku kira sekarang
bebal sudah
akan berpisah

220916

adalah suatu kala
cipta mempertemukanku
dengan
kalam
suatu yang kucari
hingga di titik dalam

Ia hias
aku bias

lari kukejar
diam terpana luka

akupun tidak tahu
siapa dia

mungkin benar
jarak tiada
hanyalah hasil buat
perasaan manusia

- terlalu cepat
untuk menjadikannya obat
tapi haruskah
ku katakan
apa adanya


Dècembre, untuk dua puluh dua Sept, NA
24 Sept, 16

The QLC

24.
I repeat, 24.

Another year passes by, I'm soon to be 25 years old.
I look at myself in the mirror - I feel good, then not-so-good.

"That girl..." I pointed my finger to the mirror, to my very own reflection.

I look at her and wander on thoughts. She has everything.

I remember how she wish for everything, every single thing that she has today.
She is living her dream. That goddamn bitch.

Ironi Elegi: Ia

asaku menari

kata-katamu bercampur tinta

aku, penuh tanda tanya

ingin jatuh cinta

tidak ingin terikat

dipeluk itu hangat

namun kamu adalah penat

An Angel Named Archie

This time, let me introduce you to a very man named Archie.

Late January, I was in a bad situation of my past relationship. Entering season finale if I could say, then I meet Archie, a fine and witty guy through a mutual interest. He sent me text that I barely reply for weeks, until late February.

He was responsive! something that i missed that time, I began replying his text and we were okay.

Though I saw a lil bit protective insecurities, but I trust him cause he brought colors to my days.

Archie was everything a woman could ask for. He was gentle, sweet, responsive and caring - not to mention his handsome face, preppy neat style and good career state. He was young with a good taste in music, as we attended concerts and exchanged playlist.

Archie was new to J-town at that time,  but he learned bahasa so fast. He knew that I am a hipster girl, he was down for a hipster concert because of it, what could be sweeter? And he paused his Game of Thrones to call me for hours. I couldn't say anything less.

Archie was a medicine to my wound. An angel that heaven sent in just a right time.

Archie was a friend, he showed me how to treat myself better.

No regret, meeting Archie is one of the greatest thing ever happened to me.

And whoever got to steal his heart is guaranteed a happy woman, a very much lucky women. A big win.

Menerka Isi Hati

Setelah semua selesai, aku kembali menjadi diriku sendiri lagi yang mengataskan apa apa saja demi kebahagiaan diriku sendiri. Aku bagai lapang, disambut angin berbahagia, menari.

Kemudian, aku kembali berbicara lagi. Satu demi satu, laki-laki yang pernah kucintai, yang pernah mengisi hidupku.

Aku berbicara dengan mereka lagi. Masing-masing aku rasakan aromanya berbeda. Namun, ada yang sama, aku masih mencintai mereka.

Dia yang meninggalkanku jauh, dia yang menemukan jalan baru dan dia yang baru saja memutuskan.

Mungkin ketika hampir berpapasan di jalan, aku akan berputar dan menghindari mereka.

Namun, rasanya aneh, satu-satu, semuanya, masih ada cinta yang berbeda di hatiku untuk mereka.

Menjadi satu, rasa itu seperti tidak bisa dipilah-pilah. Sungguh aneh aku tahu. Setiap kali teringat akan dirimu.

Sudah lebih dua bulan kita terpisah. Kau bagai mati, tak kunjung kabar burung pun tiba.

Aku menulis seribu konsep, lalu membuangnya ke tong sampah. Ingin bercerita tentangmu, kepergianmu. Namun, tak kuasa.

Putus, selalu habis dilalap emosiku. Satu dua paragraf, kemudian membisu. Selalu seperti itu.

Bukan aku tak bahagia, ku pun menemukannya. Seseorang yang kau mohon aku cari sebelumnya. Untuk menggantikanmu, dengan cintanya yang lebih utuh. Aku, menemukannya.

Hanya saja, kamu adalah sejarah.  Sesederhana satu pusat perbelanjaan di tengah kota yang membawa ingatan tentang kita. Serutin pertemuan tiap minggu dan film-film yang kita saksikan bersama.

Seperti hantu benar, aku melihat diriku dan kamu berjalan bersama, di tempat yang sama.

Lebih dari dua bulan.
Kini aku mencintai orang lain, terlebih diriku sendiri. Namun mungkin, kamu akan tetap hidup dalam ingatan. Hingga kita berjumpa lagi di lain kesempatan.

When you get older...

The thing when you get older is you keep realizing things...

You'll learn that love is definitely for two...
You'll know how a good treat is when you  have been treated bad...
You'll see that everyone has their own way to say goodbye...

That is life...
and maybe all you need to sail through life

That Song

Have you ever heard a very good music, a kind of your own - in only 10 seconds, you know the song will be one of your favorite of all time?

That's the feeling like, when I know you.

Perempuan

Malam lalu ia larut
Malam ini ia lupa derita
Kemarin siang ia bersama waktu yang fana

Bisa saja
Esok lusa ia menangis
Hingga meraung
Menjerit

Namun ia ingat lagi
Senyum  yang menghiasi
Indahnya memori

Ia perempuan
Hatinya luas
Tanpa bertuan

3.31 AM

My own bed.
My comfort zone, which happens to be the place I write most things. The place which I can be myself with no sugarcoat. And the place I hate, as the real feeling always here to show up when  I'm on my own bed.

3.31 AM - April 16, 2016
Past my bed times. Half times till you go. For as long as it can be.

It is always on my thought for few days. Always.
Don't you be fooled. I've been missing you that much and realising how many days we spent not talking to each other.

I don't know how you doing. Just as much as i don't know if what we went through was even real. I don't know.

I think I'm getting better but not really, I might get a little worse. In such a long time, I realise how I talk (and laugh) on my sleep. I have never been worse.

but I think I love you enough to let you go.

I keep on thinking "should I be seeing you again?" - this is my last chance, but do I need this? It's hard to throw a question and pass the answer all by yourself.

I think you are lighter now afterall.

Just for me to remember how good it feels like to lay beside you, while you watch your favorite cartoon movie. Being your still company, while you work and write. How you lay your head on my lap on a tiring day. How you make time for dinner near my office. How you choose that H row at the cinema, over and over again. How you let me choose your hairstyle. How we end up on a yucky restaurant and joked about it the entire meal.

too many things.

Maybe I think I know you. Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe the feeling is just not equal.

But I've been missing you, not lately, but everyday. And I'll try to find my happiness, a way to show you that I love you, so I'm letting you go.

Faraway island

I went somewhere, really far
just to realise that I made this far
for me to forget you

this journey was intended to make me forget about you

I want to be happy without you

but I made it this far, because of you

Jealousy

Thursday, 01.50AM (GMT+7)

I lay in bed entirely gone, my body. It's a wreck.
Dead tired from today's press meeting. Long weekend tomorrow, I feel lazy, but so many things running at times. and tomorrow I've decided to go somewhere.

But here I am again, traffic, causing me come home late. 1AM. How tired and emotional. Been working since morning.

And I realise, not a single thought about you leaving me. This has been a crazy week, I'm dead busy, like so dead. But not a single thought about you had gone. Not a single one. You're there in my thought.

I could blame this emotion, today is my first day of period.

But a friend today made me paid attention to Labyrinth's lyric "jealous".

The lyric is everything I thought about you.
I played it once again, when I'm alone, here, in my room.

Then this emotion played the role significantly.
I cried. I realised that, I've been avoiding you for the past two and a half weeks. I'm missing you, if I could say it out loud. I want to say it out loud.

I've been missing you so very much.

I realised that I let myself busy, to avoid you.
I did these to get over you.
to get over about the memories we had.
to restore my heart again.
to be happy alone again.

I accept to be this busy because I want to get over you. I'm faking it now.

I hate that labyrinth song reminds me that I'm jealous. I'm jealous of the way, you're happy without me.

Proses

Hari-hari ini
Aku menghilang
dari hidupmu

Tak kusangka
Kau juga
menghilang

Tak hanya
dari hidupku
namun
dari hidupmu

Aku menhindarimu
namun
Aku ingin tahu
Apa kau tenggelam
Dalam sibuk
Atau
Duniamu baru

Kau tak pernah
Menyapaku lagi

Aku tak pernah
Menanyakan
Kabarmu
lagi

Proses

Ini terasa seperti proses
seperti upaya
seperti cara
melupakan
kalau
pernah
ada
kita

Terlelap di Jalan Pulang

Aku suka bekerja
Bagiku ini distraksi
Atas kemalangan hidup
Cinta tak berbalas

Kubayar semua
dengan kerja keras

Hingga kemudian
Ragaku letih

Aku terlelap

Dalam mesin bergerak maju
Dikendarai
Seorang tak kukenal

Beririsan nasib

Ia memanggilku
"Nona"

Ia bertanya
Kemana arah jalan pulang

Aku
Setengah tersadar

Kutunjukkan
Dimana
Hatiku
Menyebutnya
Rumah

(Not) Serendipity

Why do I have to
Accidentally
Meet you
on your
Birthday

I dont understand
what God
trying to tell me
or
Show me

You are
never alone

Do you
replace me
so soon

Do you
forget
me
just
the moment
you forget
us

I still
in love with you

and
I know
you do

but you
never
alone

hiding
behind
her
back

I feel
my chest
twinge
again

the moment
you left

till
I
never
heard
from
you
back

You're gone

and
I
Still
Love
You

Honey, I'm not replying.

to know that
you think of me

makes me
even more
sad

I miss
you

I found
few new places
that
I want to
share
with you

These places
I want you
to know

Because
I know
You will
like it

But
honey

I'm not
replying

anymore

tho

I still
love
you

Perfect

we meet again
you hug me tight
you are older
wiser
a man you become

you have
that meaningful trophy
on your hand

i know
you deserve that medal

we dance
you share your
happiness
laughing, unaware

you are
so very happy
you whisper
"I love You"

and we dancing
in matching
ornament shirt

taking it
as a start
of a long journey
together

then it vanish
as i open my eyes

reality
born again

If only

If only you say...

"Don't give up on me, Baby"

I might run and forget the pain away.

Hiding

I am rushing to the guy that I call a boss at work.
He is my favorite supervisor, and I don't know, will I ever meet a kind of senior like him in the future.

He knows me, my story. We discuss about so many things work, people, life, and yes... love.

That day was so overwhelming. So I have no idea and running to his desk, sitting on his bean bag.

"Yes dear?"
"Can I hide here, inside your desk?"
"Okay, what happen?"

I start crying like a river.

"I trust you too much I show my crying face so very often to you. Is it a good or a bad thing?"
"Can be both. But i think, it's a good thing."

He tries to not make any useless move and start joking.

I feel, he is funny.

and somehow...

that geeky corny cheesy jokes, just the same like you. The kind of jokes you throw to me, trying to make me laugh and forget my bad day.

and somehow...

I want to hide a little longer.
Cherishing you through the similarities between you and him.

a strange dream

rectangular jaw line

curve from above of your lips

sharp nose and your side mole

messy, human-scented hair

gray hair everywhere

you are

a strange dream

for me

Aku, Klasik

Mungkin tak terlihat
Namun kau perlu tahu
Sebelum lebih jauh

Aku klasik
Senang dengan tenang
dan berdiam diri

Mendengar deru-deru ombak
Terkurung dalam ruang nyaman
Atau
Sekedar bernafas dengan harum buku tua
di genggaman

Di beberapa malam
Aku akan menjadi salah satu
di antara mereka

Berdansa, hilang akal dan mencari ruang riang

Namun

Lebih banyak malam
yang akan kau lewati
Bersama aku yang klasik

Tenang
Diam
dalam
Rintik

Cold

My feet cold

Tonight

I beg you
to
Kiss me
on my
Lips

You give me
Cheek

Finally
You give it up

Your lips

I convince
That this is the last time

Your lips
Cold
Salty
You eat too much
Candy

That is still
I feel
Like the first time
We had
Gentle and
Soft kiss

I left you

Maybe that really means
The last time

Tonight
I feel my feet cold
as cold as

Your lips

The World is Weird

Do you know
Back then
in 2014
New Year's Eve
We are
In the same place
Celebrating
The New Year
Together
Cheering
Watching the sky
Full of smoke
and fireworks

But

We don't know
Each other yet

So

We celebrate it
Together
and alone
at the same time

Now

It make sense

The world is weird

You could have been

My long time lover

You could have been

My life saver

If only

We met

Earlier

But

We don't

So

We meet a year and a half later

When

You

Ready

to

Go

Now

It make sense

The world is weird

To Pieces

There are times
I want to fall
Deeply
To the inside of
My Mom's hug
But
I know
I can't
Because
She hates it
To watch me
Bleed
Because
She will
Bleed with me
Too

There are times
I want to fall
Deeply
To the inside of
My Dad's hug
But
I know
I can't
Because
He hates it
To watch my
Scars
Because
He will
Ache with me
Too

Cycle Evil

It's like a cycle
I rise I fall
Over and over
Again
Because of
You
Not
With you

You are
The one
That makes me
Happy
and hold my
Hand
Running
Catching Sunset

You are
The one
That
Letting my hand
Go
In the middle
of Deep Sea

I cant swim
but
I can
Ask
My Lord
to
save me

Wine

I finally cry, in such a long time.

Not a waterfall, just drops of shower.

I've been wanting to cry, but even in the darkest day, I can't.

I wonder why.

Cry makes me feel relieved and humanized.

You, finally the reason that I cry this morning.

Because I let you, out of all people, I let you to make me cry.

I thought you are just a common guy.

That I can lend my heart to.

You are a surprise.

I know you yet I don't know who you are.

The way we act like im yours and you are mine.

The way it was unintended.

They way I love and hate it when you are not around most of the times.

It looks ugly but it makes me feel happy.

I changed your name because my heart ache everytime I see it.

I need you around but you aren't there.

So it is fine.

It is beautiful not to be the number one.

Not to be the one.

When you always be the top in everything.

and the one and the loved one.

It is worth it and divine.

You are my sweetest Cherry Wine.

I will not ask you where you came from.

I will not ask you.

So, neither should you.

(inspired by Hozier - Cherry Wine)

Sang Trisna.

Sejauh-jauhnya kita mencoba
Melepaskan diri
Masing-masing

Tidak pernah mudah

Aku butuh kau
Kau ingin aku

Sejauh-jauhnya kita mencoba
Melarikan diri

Terbentur
Selalu
Dalam rentang

Berlalu

Kembali

Menjadi

Mencari

Kita

Lagi

Human Scent

was in an elevator full of men.
then the elevator starts to smells like men.

Doh.

Then I realise that my dude, also smells like a men. Raw like human. And it's fine.

I hate all films that I ever watched with you.

Sederhana

Seorang kawan lama, mendengar dan berbicara.
Tentang aku dan siapa-siapa saja berbagi rasa.
Ia bertanya apa mauku. Aku terdiam, tak bisa kujawab.

Lalu pikiranku bertanya pada hati yang diam.

Sederhana.
Aku hanya ingin sesuatu yang sederhana.
Sesuatu yang biasa dan dapat aku rasa.

Mungkin, sesederhana berbahagia bersamamu meski aku tahu kau akan pulang. Akan hilang.

Sesederhana berjalan bersamamu mengantar ke pintu gerbang.

Sesederhana peluk yang kurasa tiap hari Minggu.

Sesederhana, mengumpulkan memori-memori indah yang akan menjadi milik kita dalam ingatan.

Story and The Day

There is one day you ask me about my favorite book. My answer is short and sweet. You deny it, you say that if I'm faking it as my favorite book, because one will be excited to talk about what they love and talk about it non-stop. You are wrong, I'm not faking it.

There is the other day you ask me to talk about what happen during two weeks in my life. I say just like that, if we look at it, two weeks passes just like that. As if nothing special happens, but it surely does.

About talking.

I'm a forgetful person - I think of so many things, yet I'm not good with bearing details for a long time.

There are days, I want to talk to you about what happen today. At the end of the day, at night. But you're not there. So I keep it those rollercoaster days and talk about it with someone else and friends.

Day by day, always something that I want to tell you. But you're not there. And who am I anyway.

After weeks, those rollercoaster days seems like nothing, like it seems.

I'm just another girl who passionate about work, maybe you think.

Takes Two to Tango.

It was one morning, heating up, I argue badly with my boss for work and personal matters. We moved to a private room, so no one can hear our bad arguments. We spit our heart out, we talk bad about each other in front of each other's face.

It was long and emotional but we agree on things. She said, "okay, I will do things to adjust with you but I need you to do the same too" - "thats fine, I'll do", I replied.

Eventually, we agree to make it work for each other, professionally.

Funny how this reminded me of romantic relationship in general.

Specifically, my experience towards it.

Obviously when we want to make it work, it is always take both side to participate in the effort.
It can't be only one people struggle and the other counterpart is doing nothing and take it for granted.

Well it can be... but let's see how long till the explosion destroying the relationship.

Looking at myself, I can conclude that a relationship is equals to the hardwork. So many times the world crumble, trying to tear us apart.
So many times, we hide. We hiding our feelings, body, and mind.

But when you know you both make it work, you'll reflect on the struggle, the hardwork. Just how many times you feel upset towards your S.O. - truth that hurts, adjustments and so on. And somehow you both find a way to get back together, because it matters for you. Both too care about each other, to let go.

Then, yes, how much you try to leave just as much as how much you want to make it work. Losing egos, sacrifices, and pride.

In the end, how much we want to make it work? It is always takes two, to tango.

Vanessa's Tune

Nyam. Thanks for the pic.
Yes I lose weight. Ugh.

The Picture

I saw you today.

Not face to face.
Not hand in hand.
Not cheek to cheek

Like we used to.

Your smile frozen.
Your pose still and stiff.
Described from a jpeg format picture.

Now that I realise.

That eyes, that smile.
Never mine, yet keep me coming like home.

I think I miss you.

Kisah Menunggu

Kamu
Takut hatiku luka
Maka
Kamu menunggu

Aku
Letih mencoba
Maka
Aku menunggu

Kita
Dua insan
Dilanda rindu

Terengah-engah
Dikejar waktu

Lagu

Kurekatkan
Pengalun nada
Ke
Telingaku

Keras
Hingar Bingar

Hingga
Tak terdengar

Suara hatiku

Berteriak
Mau apa

Berhujan

Titik titik rintik
Mengurungmu di ruangan

Basah
Sepertinya sudah

Aku terlelap dalam timangan kata
Lalu terbangun
Terkesiap oleh bunga tidur

Tentangmu
Tentangku
Sebut sajalah kita

Mimpi buruk kata mereka

Aku tak dapat lenyap lagi
Rangkaian ilusi terasa nyata

Atau
Dapatkah kita lupakan semua

Tersapu air
Berhujan
di luar jendela

Bahasa

Aku penuh kata-kata berarti

Kamu penuh aksara tergurat makna

Tak pernah sunyi

Pikiran kita berbicara

Menari nari dari telaah huruf menjadi rasa

Rasa yang indah dari hati

Namun kita

Beda bahasa

While You Sleep

You.

Out of all time.

Good an bad.

I saw you.

Always.

My favorite is.

When you fall asleep.

No noise, no fuss.

Silence.

Innocence.

Peaceful.

Far from the cruel world.

Out of all.

I saw you.

Good and bad.

My favorite is.

To watch you, sleeping.

Tsukuru Tazaki

Tsukuru happens to be a writer, just like I do.

We were together, some times.

Out of all the day we spent together, we experience it in a different way. One another.

I write for him, He write for her.

and that was all.

Today is a Different Day

Monday, a long long Monday.
I never feel like this, I always love working and absorbed on it, this is the first time I feel how Monday is so long, heavy ticky tock - anxiety as my chest burst.

Last night was sleepless. I tried to close my eyes, but my chest twinges. Brain can't stop thinking. I ended up save an hour closing my eyes, then go to work.

I decide to go back early, I long for myself. I don't feel a right amount of being right. I imagine a cafe, there I go, after a meeting.

An up-town mall starbucks.

I ordered venti-sized latte and a slice of blueberry cheesecake. Then try to search the corner-est corner to sit.

There I sit feel I myself. I never liked being alone that much because as an only kid in the family, my whole life I always alone. Even until I don't like the idea of solo traveling.

but today is different.

I plugged my earphones, and talk to a few friends just to make sure they didnt bother me. and diving to the sea of words of Murakami's book.

today is different.

I always love Murakami's book but I choose not to read it, today I use it to hide my face. Honne - The Night playing for as long as i sip the coffee.

I feel comfortable here, in the corner of giant coffee chain at an uptown mall in Jakarta. No one notice me as they are busy with their things. Well, some staffs treat me gentle and I met few customers, that smiled at me. Oh why, life is good. People is kind today. I can't imagine if someone being mean to me today, I would fall down to the floor and cry.

but today is different.

Then I started to really use the book to read, not to hide. It worked. The book setting was in a jazz bar, a pianist playing Sinatra's Corcovado (Quiet Night Quiet Stars) - as I try to match it up with my playlist, I repeated Monita Tahalea's cover version of Corcovado.

Warm.

yet I feel numb.

For the first time, I think I trust myself again, I was comfortable again sitting with myself after a long time.

I feel everything and nothing at the same time.

So this is it to find out again what you already knew for a long time. This is it, the feeling when you release the secret that you've been holding for a long time.

to find out someone you loved so dearly, was never there with you. Never a hundred percent. Never his intention. Never the same amount of love you share.

Clue: It hurts.

About Flaws

I believe, everyone has their own way to fall in love. And I also believe that 99% of the time all started with looks. That physical looks.

Because, me too. At the first place, I'll fall for his looks. If I find him befitted my physical criteria, then I move to the next stage, background.

I know, judge me.

I tend to see potential partner for his current job, his education and where the world he lived in.

The next, the bigger portion of all is our conversation. This makes all the above irrelevant.

And when I fall in love - I started to become more and more irrelevant. I fall for his flaws.

Flaws, to see how he has that human scent. How he is not that perfect, he never perfect. Messy hair, ugly clothes, corny jokes, sulky, skin with freckles all things that are not pretty.

Those things make me even more in love with him, to know that he is merely a human, a man, a part of this silly world.

And maybe I am just exaggerating things, but who knew, is it a blessing or a curse to feel everything so very deeply?

Di Balik Selimut Pagi

Hari itu seperti telepon genggam dengan baterai yang penuh. Tak padam, tak jatuh ke nuansa tidur.

Peluk melingkar, dia yang kukasihi di sisiku.

Sejenak kugontaikan waktu, aku tak ingin saat ini berlalu.

Apa adanya dirimu di pagi hari, apa adanya diriku  menyambut matahari.

Natural. Nafas tak sedap terabaikan, buruk rupa tak mendapat perhatian.

Terbaik, anak anjingmu seperti adik.
Terbaring bersama, kita bertiga menunggu bulir embun tersapu, di balik selimut.

Pagi ini terlalu menarik.

Kau pindahkan kepala manja ke atas perutku. Sebelah tanganku membuai rambutmu, sebelahnya menggenggam anak anjingmu.

Tak hendak pergi senyum dari bibirku.
Bahagia kecil di awal Januari yang diam-diam kudoakan menjadi pemandangan hingga akhir hayati.

The Girl Who Stay Overs

The one thing that I can notice in 2015 is my nomadic soul playing a significant role. I have three optional addresses that I could go home to, every single day - with the situation that my -literal- address is quite far, in the sub urban of Jakarta, while the other two is in the heart of it.

After hour, it is always a decision-making situation "where to go home today".

Moreover, I have an additional option, my close girlfriend dorm, in which more fun to be with.

My mom and dad (highlights to mom), starting to get annoyed with this habit of mine. She wants to see me more at my "literal" house, says that I don't need to stay all over the place because I'm done with my economics graduate, so i can come home earlier and got time to reach my literal house.

Logic. But, we can't play logic with the traffic in Jakarta, the "i-want-it-now" clients and the getting older and sick body. No compromise.

I am wondering, what is wrong. Maybe I'm famous as a blunt girl, but I don't see anything wrong with staying over, not to mention, all over the place that I decide. The only thing that I realize to be the wrong factor is the culture where I was raised, about a girl and all her prohibition.

Staying over for me is a matter of conscious decision. About what is up tomorrow or in the next few hours. I don't think it makes you a sl*t when people thinks that you are one.

The society needs to open their mind, that a girl can do choose what they want, what makes them easy and happy, to stay over anywhere, without being judged.