To Handle The Truth

"Ask me anything you want to know, I'll answer"

"I know, there are a lot of things on your head. Say it."

"You look like you gonna say something but you're not"


Most of the times, he tries to dig inside of my head. He realise there is a gigantic maze that he can not escape without my guidance, cause I'm the only owner of the little light.

Most of the times, I look at him puzzled, slowly and in the eye. My eyes strolling down to his lip, he talks too much. He tortures me with words, because he is who he is, the brutally honest one.

Love one, to be frank, I am struggling - this is what I never told him.

Feigning ignorance, yes, he gets the point right, I have zillion questions in my mind.  So many things I want to know about him, like, really, so many things.  However, will I ever be strong enough to handle the truth? Not really, Darling.

That is my smile in agony, protecting this little fragile heart from hideous truth.

Afterall, I'm just not that ready.

Desty

I have this weird thinking since I was a little kid, when it comes to nick names, I have it quite a lot until I can't remember.  However, I can manage to differentiate where of my life stage this friend came from.

"Sty" is from my junior high-schools'

"Dede" is from my senior high-schools'

"Ndes" is from my colleges

"Etina" is from my economics undergraduate

So much more than the above, again, I can't remember.

These names, somehow, makes me feel casual and comfortable - thus, the name, Desty, when someone trying to call me with my full name "Desty" i feel vulnerable. It is a mix between feeling proud and flying thought of who I am. When someone calls me "Desty", I am feeling loved at the same time feeling this someone is going to hurt me.

At home, my mom calls me "Ty" (read: thee) or "Titi" (read: tee tee). Mum and Dad will call me "Desty" if they want to talk seriously or heavy.

All this time, exes, once boyfriends, are one of them that will call me with "Desty" - and yes, I feel weirdly vulnerable.

That is how I weirdly think about name, Name is not that just a name. At least for me.

I recall one night, I asked someone whom I had interest with "Do you know my name?" then he laughs and then sweetly smiling "Desty".