A Vivid Memory

It was one morning, we promise to try local noodle.

My choice. 

He picked me up that day, with a motorcycle!

What a rare occassion.

He was afraid of the sun and ashes.

He wrapped himself, head to toe. Jacket, socks, gloves, helmet and other things.

I was that girl as usual, tee and short and a casual shoes. I smiled.

He let me ride with him. He told me to put my hands on his jacket's two pockets. I agree. It felt more like hugging him from behind. 

We ate noodle. He was fast. He watched me eating slowly. I was thinking that he is annoyed. 

He looked like he was thinking about things.

That look got me thinking. He was not with me no more.

I ride again with him.

He dropped me at the mall. He's gone home.

He's gone forever.

(draft March 20, 2017)

Ketika

Menunggu
Menangis
Menipu diri


Jauh rantauan
Impian
Sebuah pesan


Jalanku dilancarkan


Berkah atau cobaan


Berprasangka kepada Tuhan


Berkaca


Dirimu siapa?

Taking A Good Care of Love

If you notice I'm missing December and January post. You're right.
What was happened with me? It's rare that I didn't wrote anything for my birthday especially.
I've never done that before.

A lot happened between my December and January. I finally, graduate - I get my shit done.
And yes, I met someone special.

***


That December, I still suffocate, waiting for someone to come home.
Yes, someone does come home, but this time a different someone - (Lord, I can't event think about it, your master plan is really the coolest).

It's Donny.

At first, I felt nothing about Donny. He was just that kind guy, I'd love to chat with and be friend with. However, he was really sweet and showed his effort much. Later I found out he is not bad. Now, I fall in love with him.

Donny, he is different from all my superficial exes. He is no asia-pacific director of xyz company.
He is no United Nations leader. He is just a simple funny guy, who cook things. He takes me to another level of loving simple things in life, to love him is a relaxing concept.

Despite the fact that I'm trapped that he need to live miles aways for work and school (I wasn't expecting this kind of living-miles-away again, really) and the struggle to understand each other through these hard separated times, I think he is the only guy I'm seeing right now.

Yes, I do promise to be a 'good' girl this year. I delete all those guys number, and won't answer their texts or calls. It's for me though, not only for Donny.

***

There were days that I can't believe that Donny changed his mind. I'm hurting, we argue though he don't want to let me go.

Then we are together again and some days are cold.

But I love him, now that is for sure.

I learned a lot to become a better woman in this relationship as here goes my favourite saying, I found somewhere in the world wide web:

"My grandmother once told me, 'Relationships are work, honey, and they are not 50/50.  Some days when I get up only feel like giving 10%, then your granddaddy has to give 90% that day. But there is always 100% love.'"

Some days I feel awful, he is busy and grumpy back from the kitchen. I feel I need some affection, but yes we compromise. We need to work on it, the percentage of love, it has to be always 100%.

***

I don't know if I'm feeling hopeful for this relationship.
I just want this love to be light and evolve within times.

As we are in each other's morning and each other's night.
Protecting what should be and what will be.

***

Last Friday night, as we talk through the phone, we are laughing aimlessly.
We don't know what to say - we are that kids again, meeting back in December.

Bursting hearts, we began to fall in love again like the first time.

I said, "Did you promise me something?"

"I did, I'm ordering it"

"What?"

He laughs. It's flowers.

We laugh again together.

Maybe the road will be full of ups and downs. Maybe will be sweet and sour.
At least we know, love as it goes, it has to be taken care.
For love to live-long, if it's not, then it must be our fault.

Dad: The Meaning of Romance

For the xx times, I'm going home with Dad after work. It was a rare night, he bought me a plate of Nasi Goreng, so I can eat in the car, on the way back home.

We were talking like we mean it. He asked me about my recent job interview and how I always pursue things for life.

"Kid, be easy on yourself. You always want to aim for the stars reach that mountain, school and work and things. Might as well think about your private life too..."

He sound worried, I want to laugh loud.
I dated several guys in the past, and I did, think about my private life (read: love life).. yet I know why. I never introduce any of my boyfriend for the past years...so he didn't know.

The conversation goes, this time Dad give his comments about how I keep my stuffs

"You are clumsy just like your Mom. Be neat, Dear. Look at your cracking phone. Be ashamed of it, it's a reflection of your personality - a guy will notice who you are by looking at your phone"

I grin, carelessly. All my exes and BF knows very well about this, yet they loved me even more for that bad habit.

We laugh together.

Until we brought up that sensitive issue about Mom, and how can we love her better. It's a long conversation until...

"and how about you, seeing Mom and her bad habit - you should've known this for too long even when you two were dating Dad."

"I know. Very well. I guess that is just me and how I keep my favorite things. Once I choose it, I keep it forever"

Then I realize why I love him so much.
The very man that I always adore since I was a little baby. The very man who hugged me every now and then. The man who sets unrealistic partner standard for me.

My Dad.

And I know how I want it now, a guy who choose to love me, every day, over and over again.

Perempuanmu

Menjadi perempuanmu
  berarti bersabar

berarti mengerti

  tak tersentuh
mengingkari; jarak itu tabu

Menjadi perempuanmu
  berarti aku tahu

  menunggu
kita
  mati

Post- Hangover Thoughts

I regret it.

I'm dizzy AF.

I spent my few last days of being 24 with drunk.

I'm always full of laugh when I'm drinking. Happy pill. Melancholy syndrom hits me when I'm half sober the next day.

Still dizzy AF.

I'm queueing to enter the airplane back to Jakarta. Another airplane is ready to fly next to mine. I can feel it hits the ground, the vibe goes to my heart. I cry a little, I remember again, how that iron bird has brought those I love gone far away.

On the plane, I cry a lot.
Because of the song the airline played.
Indonesian song about the struggle of long distance relationship.

I'm fxcked.
I cry a river.

Why universe, why?

Hangover thoughts

People are foolish.

I laugh at them dancing. So eagerly dancing, trying to impress the other man/woman. So funny.

I laugh. I drink. I dance. I stare at those festive bulbs. Half conscious.

I'm drunk and I really want to write about people.
But then I'm not, I saved these words in mind. How I think about these all. Write later, I stare at bulbs again, thinking.

I dance, still really wanting to write so badly.
I remember Tsukuru, he always write when he is drunk in the party. He writes about people and how funny they ar, in the corner of a party.

Why he does the same. I don't know. We're match made in heaven. Too similar, its broken.

I still, dance and think about people, chasing other people

Hi, B!

I was walking, chatting with a long time friend. Passing my co-workers and pretend not seeing them on the way. They shout at me, "How pretty you are today!".  My pretending-not-to-see-them fail. I am smiling and waving proudly, today I wear my favorite brown dress - a gift from bestfriends.

After that, I wonder in thoughts.
Those nights B used to call me his pretty girl. How it would be nice if he say it again. I want to hear it again "pretty, why are you being single?" I obviously blushed that day.

Then I remember B. I might not see him at the end of this year, but I have faith with me.

But B, I think I'm OK.
I'm an all grown up girl.

I cut my hair short, sooner than I told you the last time. I look cool - I think you'll like.

I think it's a better day there. I think even a better christmas there. Lights, fire and xmas market. Beers. - and plus even better with a cuddle mate.

I know that you are re-shaping that profile here and there. Hoping for that miracle. Company on that cold cold winter. 2°C is bad to be faced alone. Without a warm hug, without a gentle kiss. I understand.

B, you had me at hello.
That hello I will cherish forever. You are a piece of puzzle, here, in my heart.

If not anytime soon God leads our way, I hope you have a warm warm winter and christmas, there, at your heart.

Yours truly xxxx

Realistically....

"Realistically...." I say it loudly.

That was the first line of e-mail was intended to me, by my junior. I was there, behind her back when she typed it. She wasn't expecting me coming, but I peeked and laughed. She was trying to shoo-shoo me and I agree.

Today, I went early for a live tv interview and I back for home early because of that. Then my other junior asked "why are you going home" - "I start early, my shits are done done" I replied.

"Realistically" the word become so much to think.

I want to go back to my junior and said "Well, realistically, I'm getting older. Tired with over-time shits. I have life other than work. My paper is waiting." No. I didn't said it to her, I went home after buying some classic puddings that Mum like so much.

Funny thing, today, while spending sometimes reviewing reports, I watched this man-digging-youtube show by a dating coach. He discussed about man, an MPI, I forgot but it explained about the man whom always maintaining you from time to time - sending texts, checking you out, but not for you. It's for them, to make them feel secure and wanted.

and Realistically, it relates.

Realistically, it's maybe the primetime to get real.
To look around, to find something that was always there.

As I strolled through Facebook, I found that girl who cut off every possible way of uncertainty. Just to find she kissed the Real man on a dim-light shrine in Hong Kong.

Les jus be real, Dest!

Insecurities

As a girl, I grew up with insecurities in my main plate.

Insecurities for my darker skin complexion, amongst my fairer skin oriental looking family.

Insecurities for my big-fairy ears, friends in elementary school made fun of it a lot.

Insecurities for my thick lips, that father's side family made it kind of big joke.

It affects me somehow as a woman. Now that they don't make it as a big deal because things are changing. They see me now with my achievements. They said I'm growing up to be a pretty woman.

Still, it affects me deep down.

I keep on comparing myself.

I feel like competing with other potential woman that my crush might like.

It's all in my mind.

Insecurities is like shadow, it walks with me.

Every single day.

Whether or not...

I woke up after an early nap that turned to be total fall asleep. I reach for a glass of McD's beverage muse (which I totally forbidden to) and then reaching out my phone, giving consultation via e-mail like I always do.

That thoughts come again, the one topic clouding my mind these days. Whether we search similarities or differenciesin our significant others, in life?

The thought arises as my guilty pleasure to read a man's mind. I still can't, but I got better at guessing. Let me tell you, my guilty pleasure is to read an article or vlog about what men thinks and might do about certain things. Yep, man has always been a riddle to solve for me.

And I' ve been in a significant crush with a guy. Awkwardly, we were interconnected to most kind of social media and instantmessengers that we have. So yes, I didn't deny it that I'm being a little spy. I know how friendly he is and how he befriend with other young women like me. I can read him, exactly.

As I analyse those other young women he befriends with and combining with what I have from those article and vlog that I ever read and listened... I began to wonder at thoughts. What it is exactly do we search in life, the one who is different or the one who is with the most similarities?

Simply, when I bring this thought to friends, they said..... IT'S BOTH. Ugh. Rocket science you said it. Well...

By both, we are never sure how many percent is the similarities and how many percent is the differencies... which one weight more? I've been searching but no receng study about it.

People are really complex. And by all this I just reminding myself that it is nice to have someone who is real to you, and you can reach out at hour like this, 2.30am in the morning... when u have all the weirdest thoughts about universe. I want you in my life - whoever you are.

Teman Hidup

"Waktu, cepat benar berlalu...", ujar sahabat baikku di seberang meja sambil menatap awang-awang sebuah warung kopi sederhana.

Pertemuan rutin kami, memperbarui informasi kehidupan satu sama lain.

Laki-laki di seberangku ini sudah ku kenal semenjak kami menggunakan seragam. Berpeluh terkena sinar matahari. Cukup lalu.

Beberapa saat lampau, Ia mengungkapkan telah menemukan gadis pujaan. Ia akan memilihnya untuk hidup bersama - selama - lamanya.

Aku jadi teringat, sahabat-sahabat baikku tahun yang akan datang sebagian besar melepas masa lajangnya. Tak terungkap, betapa aku bahagia.

Waktu memang benar-benar cepat berlalu, pikirku. Melihat mereka tumbuh dewasa, hingga menemukan teman hidup yang setia. Pemandangan yang terngiang selalu, terrekam dalam memori bagai rangkaian film.

Seketika aku sesak dengan perasaan haru, tidak sabar untuk waktu datang dan berlalu.

Sambil menunggu, perasaan aneh muncul untuk diriku. Kosong. Melihat pada hidupku dan sosoknya yang entah kapan menjadi nyata.

Ah, tetap aku bahagia untuk mereka.

Si Perasa, Pengandai Logika

Dulu, ada yang pernah bilang, "Meninggalkan itu lebih mudah, daripada yang ditinggalkan."
Aku penasaran.

Kali ini aku coba pergi, tak lama ia pergi.  Petualangan baruku, kata mereka.

Rasanya sama berat, ternyata. Perasaan asing tetap hinggap.
Ah, mungkin ya karena aku terlalu perasa.

---

Pagi ini aku duduk dekat jendela di Bandara.
Aku lihat ada sebuah burung besi tinggal landas.

Tiba-tiba hatiku nyeri lagi.
Aku merasa betapa burung-burung besi itu telah mengantar dan membawanya pergi.
Hingga saatnya tiba bertemu lagi. Tidak pernah pasti.
Aku yang perasa ini, ingin menitikkan lagi air mata.
Sedikit saja, masih boleh ya?

---

Aku yang perasa ini melamun.
Terlalu banyak imaji yang kucoba berikan sedikit emosi.
Dalam, jadinya.
Aku menelaah kata-kata pilihannya, pilihanku, dalam bincang kita.

Aku ingat, kala itu setengah terpejam.
Ia membawaku ke 12 tahun lalu
Saat aku menyelesaikan studi dasarku sebagai anak-anak.
Saat itu ia memulai studi pertamanya untuk berkelana menjadi laki-laki dewasa.

Bagaimana ia membaca pikiranku? Si perasa, pengandai-andai logika.

Bebal Pisah

Berjalan
aku terus menemukan
bahu-bahu yang sedang dalam persinggahan

Mereka berwujud mimpi
memberi peristirahatan
lalu pergi
hilang entah

Aku kira sekarang
bebal sudah

bandar-bandar
jalan tol ke udara

perpisahan
tetap terasa sama

beda kisah
menyisakan resah

aku kira sekarang
bebal sudah
akan berpisah

220916

adalah suatu kala
cipta mempertemukanku
dengan
kalam
suatu yang kucari
hingga di titik dalam

Ia hias
aku bias

lari kukejar
diam terpana luka

akupun tidak tahu
siapa dia

mungkin benar
jarak tiada
hanyalah hasil buat
perasaan manusia

- terlalu cepat
untuk menjadikannya obat
tapi haruskah
ku katakan
apa adanya


Dècembre, untuk dua puluh dua Sept, NA
24 Sept, 16

The QLC

24.
I repeat, 24.

Another year passes by, I'm soon to be 25 years old.
I look at myself in the mirror - I feel good, then not-so-good.

"That girl..." I pointed my finger to the mirror, to my very own reflection.

I look at her and wander on thoughts. She has everything.

I remember how she wish for everything, every single thing that she has today.
She is living her dream. That goddamn bitch.

Ironi Elegi: Ia

asaku menari

kata-katamu bercampur tinta

aku, penuh tanda tanya

ingin jatuh cinta

tidak ingin terikat

dipeluk itu hangat

namun kamu adalah penat

An Angel Named Archie

This time, let me introduce you to a very man named Archie.

Late January, I was in a bad situation of my past relationship. Entering season finale if I could say, then I meet Archie, a fine and witty guy through a mutual interest. He sent me text that I barely reply for weeks, until late February.

He was responsive! something that i missed that time, I began replying his text and we were okay.

Though I saw a lil bit protective insecurities, but I trust him cause he brought colors to my days.

Archie was everything a woman could ask for. He was gentle, sweet, responsive and caring - not to mention his handsome face, preppy neat style and good career state. He was young with a good taste in music, as we attended concerts and exchanged playlist.

Archie was new to J-town at that time,  but he learned bahasa so fast. He knew that I am a hipster girl, he was down for a hipster concert because of it, what could be sweeter? And he paused his Game of Thrones to call me for hours. I couldn't say anything less.

Archie was a medicine to my wound. An angel that heaven sent in just a right time.

Archie was a friend, he showed me how to treat myself better.

No regret, meeting Archie is one of the greatest thing ever happened to me.

And whoever got to steal his heart is guaranteed a happy woman, a very much lucky women. A big win.

Menerka Isi Hati

Setelah semua selesai, aku kembali menjadi diriku sendiri lagi yang mengataskan apa apa saja demi kebahagiaan diriku sendiri. Aku bagai lapang, disambut angin berbahagia, menari.

Kemudian, aku kembali berbicara lagi. Satu demi satu, laki-laki yang pernah kucintai, yang pernah mengisi hidupku.

Aku berbicara dengan mereka lagi. Masing-masing aku rasakan aromanya berbeda. Namun, ada yang sama, aku masih mencintai mereka.

Dia yang meninggalkanku jauh, dia yang menemukan jalan baru dan dia yang baru saja memutuskan.

Mungkin ketika hampir berpapasan di jalan, aku akan berputar dan menghindari mereka.

Namun, rasanya aneh, satu-satu, semuanya, masih ada cinta yang berbeda di hatiku untuk mereka.

Menjadi satu, rasa itu seperti tidak bisa dipilah-pilah. Sungguh aneh aku tahu. Setiap kali teringat akan dirimu.

Sudah lebih dua bulan kita terpisah. Kau bagai mati, tak kunjung kabar burung pun tiba.

Aku menulis seribu konsep, lalu membuangnya ke tong sampah. Ingin bercerita tentangmu, kepergianmu. Namun, tak kuasa.

Putus, selalu habis dilalap emosiku. Satu dua paragraf, kemudian membisu. Selalu seperti itu.

Bukan aku tak bahagia, ku pun menemukannya. Seseorang yang kau mohon aku cari sebelumnya. Untuk menggantikanmu, dengan cintanya yang lebih utuh. Aku, menemukannya.

Hanya saja, kamu adalah sejarah.  Sesederhana satu pusat perbelanjaan di tengah kota yang membawa ingatan tentang kita. Serutin pertemuan tiap minggu dan film-film yang kita saksikan bersama.

Seperti hantu benar, aku melihat diriku dan kamu berjalan bersama, di tempat yang sama.

Lebih dari dua bulan.
Kini aku mencintai orang lain, terlebih diriku sendiri. Namun mungkin, kamu akan tetap hidup dalam ingatan. Hingga kita berjumpa lagi di lain kesempatan.