Today is a Different Day

Monday, a long long Monday.
I never feel like this, I always love working and absorbed on it, this is the first time I feel how Monday is so long, heavy ticky tock - anxiety as my chest burst.

Last night was sleepless. I tried to close my eyes, but my chest twinges. Brain can't stop thinking. I ended up save an hour closing my eyes, then go to work.

I decide to go back early, I long for myself. I don't feel a right amount of being right. I imagine a cafe, there I go, after a meeting.

An up-town mall starbucks.

I ordered venti-sized latte and a slice of blueberry cheesecake. Then try to search the corner-est corner to sit.

There I sit feel I myself. I never liked being alone that much because as an only kid in the family, my whole life I always alone. Even until I don't like the idea of solo traveling.

but today is different.

I plugged my earphones, and talk to a few friends just to make sure they didnt bother me. and diving to the sea of words of Murakami's book.

today is different.

I always love Murakami's book but I choose not to read it, today I use it to hide my face. Honne - The Night playing for as long as i sip the coffee.

I feel comfortable here, in the corner of giant coffee chain at an uptown mall in Jakarta. No one notice me as they are busy with their things. Well, some staffs treat me gentle and I met few customers, that smiled at me. Oh why, life is good. People is kind today. I can't imagine if someone being mean to me today, I would fall down to the floor and cry.

but today is different.

Then I started to really use the book to read, not to hide. It worked. The book setting was in a jazz bar, a pianist playing Sinatra's Corcovado (Quiet Night Quiet Stars) - as I try to match it up with my playlist, I repeated Monita Tahalea's cover version of Corcovado.

Warm.

yet I feel numb.

For the first time, I think I trust myself again, I was comfortable again sitting with myself after a long time.

I feel everything and nothing at the same time.

So this is it to find out again what you already knew for a long time. This is it, the feeling when you release the secret that you've been holding for a long time.

to find out someone you loved so dearly, was never there with you. Never a hundred percent. Never his intention. Never the same amount of love you share.

Clue: It hurts.

About Flaws

I believe, everyone has their own way to fall in love. And I also believe that 99% of the time all started with looks. That physical looks.

Because, me too. At the first place, I'll fall for his looks. If I find him befitted my physical criteria, then I move to the next stage, background.

I know, judge me.

I tend to see potential partner for his current job, his education and where the world he lived in.

The next, the bigger portion of all is our conversation. This makes all the above irrelevant.

And when I fall in love - I started to become more and more irrelevant. I fall for his flaws.

Flaws, to see how he has that human scent. How he is not that perfect, he never perfect. Messy hair, ugly clothes, corny jokes, sulky, skin with freckles all things that are not pretty.

Those things make me even more in love with him, to know that he is merely a human, a man, a part of this silly world.

And maybe I am just exaggerating things, but who knew, is it a blessing or a curse to feel everything so very deeply?